Life is a solitary game

Lately it feels like I’m stuck alone on my own planet. Life feels too solitary. Life feels too alone. I know many say people don’t understand them, but I truly feel they don’t. I’ve been hurt so much that I no longer reach out to people, but cut them off before they can hurt me.

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“Nobody likes being alone that much. I don’t go out of my way to make friends, that’s all. It just leads to disappointment. ”
― Haruki MurakamiNorwegian Wood

 

“Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it’s not because they enjoy solitude. It’s because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.”
― Jodi PicoultMy Sister’s Keeper

 

 

<a href=”https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/solitary/”>Solitary</a&gt;

Never good enough

“The more you try to impress, the more you become depressed, and the more they get tired of your coercion. It doesn’t make them love you, instead, they’ll see you as a little child, trying to draw a senseless picture on a piece of paper, begging people to look at it and admire it by force. You can persuade someone to look at your face, but you can’t persuade them to see the beauty therein.” Michael Bassey Johnson

 

I’m an only child.

I have two Master’s degrees.

And no matter what I do – I’m not good enough.

It’s not a shout, it’s not a complaint. It’s a matter of fact…sigh, I’m tired of making mistakes.

 

<a href=”https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/substandard/”>Substandard</a&gt;

What’s a good title for “trans”?

Am I Transgender?

Recently I was doing some research and reading online, about LGBTQ Community and issues. One article in particular grabbed my attention – “How Do I know if I’m transgender?” – Instantly intrigued, I read it. And honestly…most of that stuff applied to me.

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CHILDHOOD

Dresses – blech! I would fight my mom week after week if I had to wear a dress. I fought like the devil. In elementary school she made me wear a dress to picture day. I remember seeing one picture recently, with my boy haircut, and eyes all puffy and red from the screaming and crying fit I threw. And so many other pictures too – I was an ADORABLE little boy! Except I’m stuck in a female body.

One thing to explain – my family is stuck in many OLD WAYS. Girls should dress like girls, and boys should dress like boys. Same with toys. Well let me tell you, I pushed those bounds every chance I got. ATV/4-Wheeler – broken axels, racing…my neighbors all thought I was a boy. One said; “ain’t no way that’s a girl. See’m race, that’s not a girl.” I had some boy toys, and some more “neutral clothing” to push the bounds again. In some ways I think my family wouldn’t be too surprised. Once my mom said “we were relieved when you got married (I’m now 2x divorced) – we thought you’d turn out to be gay.” :blink: :blink: Um….gee, thanks. And now here I am, outcast, survivor of life (kinda’), broken….and a male stuck in a female body. Secretly.

EXPECTATIONS

My mom has this expectation and desire to have this picture perfect daughter and granddaughter. SURPRISE MOM – I’M A TRANS MALE…and your one and only granddaughter? SHE’S A LESBIAN! SO…Unfortunately if I come out, or if she comes out – that’ll probably be the last time that we’re spoken to by our family. It’s sad….I feel for all of those who are going through this with me, or those who have lost family/friends over this. In other words, I’m most definitely IN THE CLOSET. CONGRATS….you’re one lucky person to read this!

I do feel like one day I may be able to go further in this. Likely after my parents pass on, (or don’t remember who I am)…and move across the country. This is how it is. I have found that I’m more comfortable around men. Women…I just don’t get. ALL my friends in high school (the most awkward years of life along with right now) were guys. I’ve always jokingly said I have the mind of a man – and honestly it never occurred to me that this was “literally” true. I didn’t realize there was a choice.

 

And then it dawned on me…

After reading said article I went; “hmmm…” WOW, that sounds REALLY like me. So I did a bit more research. How do I know/suspect that I’m transgender?

– From my youngest memory I would wear boy or neutral clothes if possible.

– All guy friends (one friend that was a girl, but may be trans as well)

– Hated girly things

– Had a boy name (Justin) and would put socks in my pants (no, not the pockets)

– Cried all the time about not having a penis. I prayed every night for God to give me one. I’d wake up and be SO disappointed when it wasn’t there. I also heard that if you could kiss your elbow you could get a wish…no matter how I scratched, stretched, and injured my elbow – I could never quite kiss it!

NOW

I have severe body dysphoria. I can’t look at myself because it’s just awful. My whole body, my girl face, my soft fingers, My chest….sigh. Oh my awful DD chest…

  • I never thought I would wake up one day and realize that inside, I’m male.
  • Never thought my daughter would tell me she is gay.
  • I really never gave it a thought that there WAS another option – I don’t HAVE to suffer in this body.
  • From about 21 on I knew I had to start acting like a woman. I hated, hated, hated it.
  • First bra – cried.
  • First period – cried even harder
  • It infuriates me when someone calls me “ma’am” or Miss/Ms.
  • Saying this could get me fired – if I didn’t mention it before I work in a VERY conservative environment
  • Yes, there are many things still “girly” about me, but I’ve lived a LONG time in this body and mindset

I know people won’t be supportive. At least not where I’m from. But i HAD to say it, because there is no one on this earth I can really tell. I just wanted to tell SOMEBODY.

So congratulations internet…you now have my biggest secret. Luckily I don’t have to blurt my name, city, state and occupation out for all to see. Because quite frankly, I would get fired from my job, and disowned by my family.

 

Ponderings of Living, Life, and…

This blog is for my wandering mind to externalize whatever I want to put out there. Usually these ramblings are things I cannot voice in the real world. There are many things I would like to say, but for various reasons I cannot. This blog will be my lifeline – my voice in the world. Since I am not free to be me in real life, I am free to be me on this site.